Crazy Ex-Ghoulfriend Read online

  My stomach churned as she giggled her stale breath in my face. I sprang away from her and scooted backwards on my hands and feet, doing my best not to regurgitate my breakfast. I did not want to know what it would taste like coming back up. Besides, I’d already peed my pants, and that was enough humiliation for one day.

  “This is absurd,” I said, scrambling to my feet. I snatched the cell phone off my bedside table. “I’m calling the police. You’re... you’re trespassing. And you’re dead!”

  Matilda propped herself up on her elbows. “You do that. I’ll just lie here, still as can be. After you’re arrested and charged for digging up a corpse, you’ll be committed to an asylum. Do you suppose Wayne would come visit you? I mean, surely he’s anxious for a repeat of that pathetic excuse for a kiss you laid on him last night.”

  “I knew it! I knew there was something out there.” I pointed the phone at her and thought long and hard about chucking the thing across the room, now that I obviously couldn’t use it to call for backup.

  Matilda tilted her head back and howled out a deep, throaty laugh that grated down my spine. Her dry lips cracked and oozed as they stretched around her ghoulish teeth that were even more frighteningly large now that her gums were receding. She was every bit as vicious dead as she had been alive.

  My throat tightened and I had to choke down my next breath. The room swelled and shrank, and for a minute I thought the power was surging, but it was just my vision, dimming in time with the panicked pulse drumming through my skull. Maybe if I decapitated her, she wouldn’t come back to haunt me again. Of course, then there would be the matter of sneaking an extra dead corpse out of the house. The garbage disposal in the kitchen came to mind. I would need to wait for my nerves to cool, I realized as the phone slipped from my trembling hand. I needed to buy some time. I needed a distraction.

  “What do you want, Matilda?”

  “Hmmmm?” She hadn’t heard me over her laughter.

  “Why are you here? Why aren’t you at Denise or Danielle’s house, terrorizing them?”

  Matilda frowned, drawing her pale skin down so taut over her cheekbones that two blood red crescents appeared beneath her eyes. She sighed and sat upright, folding her mangled legs under her skirt. “The Double Ds looked good flanking me. They knew how to kiss ass and how to pick out a pair of shoes, but they don’t have half a brain between the two of them.”

  “So... you’re here to eat my brains?” I was hardly about to believe that she was looking for a new bestie now that she was dead.

  “So,” Matilda groaned, “I need someone with a little brainpower to help me finish the unfinished business that landed me in this predicament.” She waved a hand at herself in disgust.

  “Unfinished business?” I huffed. “Ghosts have unfinished business. You’re not a ghost. You’re the evil dead.”

  Matilda scowled at me. “On second thought, maybe I will just eat your brains.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Seriously? I help you resolve your unfinished business, and you’ll just poof! Be gone for good this time?”

  “That’s the idea.” She pulled herself up off the floor with a grin.

  “And what exactly is this unfinished business?”

  Matilda’s fish eyes glowed. “Why, to go to prom with my true love, of course.”

  This wasn’t happening. This wasn’t happening. This was not happening.

  I swallowed and took a slow, deep breath. The garbage disposal was looking better and better. “Brains or not, I really don’t see how I’m supposed to convince Wayne to go to prom with a corpse.”

  Matilda twitched when I said the word corpse, but she kept right on grinning. “Oh, you’re going to convince him. If you don’t, I’ll make an anonymous call to Officer Russell. They’ll find me in your room, dead as a doornail, and life as you know it will be over.”

  “You wouldn’t,” I whispered.

  “Try me.” Matilda’s grin widened until I thought her face might split in half. Of all the nasty tricks she had played on me, this one was the dirtiest by far. It had to be killing her that she couldn’t even gloat to her minions about it.

  Then I thought of the awkward kiss Wayne and I had shared the night before. I was so close to having everything I wanted, but even in death, Matilda had found a way to ruin it all. She had to die. Again. And this time, for good. I was just going to have to make sure that she didn’t see it coming.

  Lies

  Chapter 10

  Matilda’s corpse paced back and forth across my bedroom floor. It was an awkward sort of walk, considering that the accident had shattered one of her knees. It didn’t seem to be slowing her down any though. I was already taking mental notes on her weaknesses. It was the sort of determination I reserved for the SATs.

  I kept a leery eye on her from my closet door as I changed into a pair of dry jeans and a fresh shirt. I tossed my soiled pajamas in the trash can beside my desk.

  “So, do you expect me to pull a magic wand out of my butt, or do you have some stupid idea about how I’m supposed to pull this off?” I asked through gritted teeth.

  Matilda paused to smile at me. My skin crawled.

  “You’ve already done half the work, princess,” she said, tugging my secret sketchbook out from beneath my pillow. I ground my teeth together as she flipped through the pages until she came to the masquerade themed prom scene. She held it up and tapped one of her rotten fingers on the bottom of the page. “You’re going to join the prom committee and make this happen. No one will know it’s me if I show up in a mask.”

  “Sure, until you open your mouth.”

  “I’ll be quiet,” she whispered.

  “That sounds even more impossible that you showing up in my room as a corpse.” I folded my arms.

  Matilda tossed my sketchbook back on the bed and gripped her bony hips with both hands. “Look, you’re going to make this happen or I’m going to ruin your life. It’s really that simple.”

  “I can’t work miracles, Matilda. Besides, the Ds run the prom committee, and they’re never going to let me choose the theme.”

  Matilda grinned. “You silly girl. Don’t you think I’ve already worked that out?”

  “Really? This I’ve got to hear.” I sat down on the edge of my desk, keeping my back to the wall. Matilda reached under my bed and pulled out a shoebox. “You’re about to make some new friends.”

  “Where did that come from?” I asked.

  “I stopped by my house last night and picked up a few essentials.”

  “Seriously? You’ve been walking all over town, and no one has noticed?”

  “It was dark. I kept to the shadows. I’ve snuck out enough times to have the technique down. Now shut up and listen.” She dropped the box on my bed and flipped the lid back. A shiny pair of glittery blue heels was inside. Matilda held one up by the strap. “These were the last pair at Lola’s. Denise wanted them so bad, but I told her they made her feet look fat.” She laughed. “I never even got the chance to wear them. Try them on,” she said.

  I walked around to the opposite side of the bed and snatched up the shoes, careful not to touch her in the process. I didn’t want to take my eyes off of her, so I sat back down on the desk to put them on. I had to admit that they were pretty, but I still didn’t see how they worked into her plan.

  “I can’t walk in these,” I said.

  “Then practice,” she snapped.

  “What’s the point?”

  “They make your legs look longer.”

  I groaned. “Why do I need to have longer legs? What does that have to do with your plan?”

  “Wow, you’re slow.” Matilda began pacing again. “If you wear those to school tomorrow, Denise won’t be able to resist saying something to you. That’s the point. You have to make them come to you. She’ll ask where you got them. You’ll tell her Lola’s. She’ll instantly think you’re cooler, and so will everyone else.”

  I laughed. “You really think she’s going to let me on
the prom committee over a pair of shoes? That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”

  Matilda sighed. “Baby steps. These are simple people you’re dealing with. We’ll start with the shoes. Tuesday, I’ll show you how to apply eyeliner.”

  “I am not wearing eyeliner.” This was getting ridiculous.

  “Oh, you’re going to wear eyeliner. It’s either that or a straightjacket. I thought I made myself pretty clear.”

  The garage door slammed downstairs. I heard my dad grumbling about the knocked over trash can, and my mom shouted up the stairs to me. “Janie, are you feeling any better?”

  “Crap.” I whispered. “Quick, hide.” I waved Matilda into my closet and closed the door.

  My first instinct was to throw myself under the covers, but Matilda had lain on them, and I was still supremely grossed out. Instead, I peeled the comforter and sheets off the bed and balled them up, just as my mom walked into my room.

  “You must be feeling better if you’re doing laundry,” she said.

  “I... got sick,” I lied, tucking the bedding under my arm.

  “Oh, honey. I’m sorry. I should have stayed home and taken care of you.” She pressed her cool fingers against my cheek and then my forehead. Then she gasped. “What happened to your lip?” she asked, tilting my chin up.

  “I must have hit it on my dresser. I was pretty out of it.”

  “My poor girl. Why don’t you let me wash those?”

  “No! I mean, I’ve got it. I feel better now.”

  She paused and sniffed at the air. “Your room smells... funny.”

  “It’s probably just because I got sick. It’ll air out,” I said, backing her away from my bed and into the hallway.

  “You’re sure you’re okay?” She frowned at me and then looked down at my feet and the new shoes. “Where did those come from?”

  “Oh, uh, Lola’s,” I said meekly.

  “Did you go there with Chloe?”

  “Uh, yeah. When we went Christmas shopping.” Liar, liar. Pants on fire. The little voice in my head was back. Senior year was going to kill me. I was sure of it.

  I took my bedding downstairs to the laundry room and dumped several cups of detergent into the washer before turning the water setting to hot. I don’t know why I bothered. I was still going to burn them as soon as I got the chance. Before I went back upstairs, I grabbed a box of baking soda out of the freezer and a can of Febreze air freshener from under the kitchen sink.

  Matilda peeked out of my closet when I closed my bedroom door. “Coast clear?”

  “Just keep it down. Here.” I tossed the baking soda and Febreze at her. “If you’re going to be hiding out in my room, we’re going to have to do something about your odor. My parents are going to get suspicious and start snooping around if it smells like a morgue in here.”

  Matilda glared at me, but she turned the Febreze up and sprayed it under her armpits like it was deodorant.

  I didn’t like the idea of her camping out in my closet, but wandering around the neighborhood wasn’t really an option. If she got caught and played dead in my yard, I was pretty sure the consequences would be just as dire as they would be if she was discovered in my room.

  I didn’t sleep at all that night. Even wedging my desk chair up under the closet doorknob didn’t give me enough peace of mind. I could still feel Matilda’s glassy fisheyes on me, and the little box of baking soda wasn’t sucking the stink out of the air the way it promised to in the commercials. Maybe I would write an angry letter to the company.

  I didn’t feel like going to school Monday morning, but I definitely didn’t want to stay home with Matilda. When I went to get dressed, she hijacked my wardrobe and tossed a pair of skinny jeans and a white sweater at me before standing guard over everything else. “Don’t lollygag after school today. We’ve got some online shopping to do later.” She snorted at my selection of clothes. I didn’t have the energy to argue with her.

  I snuck a cup of coffee in the kitchen and downed it before leaving for school with my mom. The car ride was uncomfortable. She looked at my shoes a few times but didn’t comment on them again. I wondered if she would be running errands today or if she would be at home, vacuuming and doing dishes, not knowing there was a corpse stinking up my closet. On the plus side, my disaster kiss with Wayne didn’t seem like such a big deal anymore.

  Matilda had been right about the shoes. I could count the fillings in Denise’s mouth as I walked to my desk in Mr. Hammond’s English class. I had to take careful, calculated steps to keep from breaking my ankle, but the discomfort was almost worth the look on her face.

  By the time the bell rang at the end of class, the coffee had finally kicked in, and I was ready for Denise. She waited for me in the hallway with Mitch Brown a step behind her. “Nice shoes.” She tilted her nose up as she tossed her hair back.

  “Yeah, thanks. Lola’s,” I said, just like Matilda had made me practice. Then I turned and walked away from her.

  It seemed too easy. I really didn’t think it would work, but just like Matilda had said, Denise followed me to my locker. “Matilda had a pair just like them,” she said.

  “That’s nice.” I yawned. My lack of sleep added to the new, bored attitude Matilda had insisted I adopt.

  Denise opened her mouth and then closed it. She shook her head, like she couldn’t even remember why she was talking to me in the first place. Then she stormed off. Mitch trailed along behind her like a good little dog, sparing me a confused look of his own.

  Second period advanced chemistry was uneventful. Mrs. Roth put on an outdated documentary about the atomic bomb and turned down the lights. The coffee wore off, and I struggled not to pass out at my desk. Excited whispers circulated around in the dark, and I caught some gossip about how we’d be watching movies all week, since someone had stolen a batch of blood from the lab that we were going to be using to do testing on for our biochemistry segment. That was fine by me. I had enough on my mind right now.

  Third and fourth period was one big blur. I couldn’t even focus enough to take notes. My brain shifted lazily from the uncomfortable shoes to the kiss with Wayne and then to the garbage disposal. I should have been working on a plan to get rid of Matilda, but I was too sleep deprived to focus on much more than making it to my classes without spraining an ankle. I found my second wind when the lunch bell rang.

  Wayne and Eddie were already seated under the droopy Lancelot by the time I made it to our table. They both gave me a once-over, starting with the new shoes.

  “Hey, Janie.” Wayne blushed and cleared his throat. “Your mom said you were sick yesterday. I hope you’re feeling better.”

  “Yeah, thanks,” I said, sitting down across from him.

  Eddie frowned and began unpacking his lunch. “You all enjoy your barbeque?” he asked, biting out the words a little too sharply.

  Wayne and I both blushed then.

  “It was... nice,” Wayne said, giving me an apologetic smile. “But you left something at my house, Janie. You should probably come over and get it after school.”

  He was forgiving me, and I desperately wondered if he had a do-over planned. The zombie in my closet wouldn’t be thrilled though, and I couldn’t afford to take any chances. “I can’t today. I’ve got a lot of homework.”

  Wayne frowned.

  “Darn homework,” Eddie said, perking up as he bit into his sandwich.

  The hum of gossip filled the cafeteria, but it had shifted away from Wayne. I was the hot topic of the day, and for once it wasn’t because of something nasty Matilda had done to me. Well, no one realized that it was anyway. I still wasn’t overly fond of being the center of attention, but maybe I was just too exhausted to enjoy it.

  I skipped my visit with Chloe after lunch. She would be able to tell that something was off, and I just didn’t have it in me to lie to her. Instead, I walked to algebra class with Wayne. Eddie tagged along behind us, carrying on about some conspiracy theory involving aliens hi
ding in the depths of the ocean. On a better day I would have been more interested, but I could hardly keep my eyes open, let alone maintain eye contact with anyone.

  Danielle had algebra with Wayne and me. She didn’t seem as surprised by the shoes, but Denise had probably already told her during one of their smoke breaks in the bathroom. She didn’t say anything, and neither did I. I wondered if the Ds knew just how well Matilda had them pegged. I hated to admit it, but I was actually impressed.

  Transformations

  Chapter 11

  Wayne tried to invite me over a second time after algebra, and it pained me to turn him down, especially in front of the Ds. The brushoff seemed to interest them even more than the shoes though, which Matilda assured me was a good thing.

  “We’ll have to fabricate a college boyfriend for you,” she said over my shoulder, as I clicked through a video list of makeup tutorials on YouTube. There was no way I was letting her slimy zombie fingers near my face.

  “Right, like they’re gonna believe I have a college boyfriend.”

  “They might, since you’re giving one of the most popular boys in school the slip.”

  “Wayne will know it’s a lie.”

  “So what?” Matilda sneered at me. “He’s not on the prom committee. We don’t have to worry about what he thinks right now.”

  “Whatever.” I sighed and clicked on one of the video links. Some girl gave the same exact step-by-step instructions for doing smoky eyes that I had just watched three others before her do. I took a wild guess and decided that this was a fairly popular look.

  Matilda fetched the shoebox from under my bed again and retrieved an eye shadow pallet, eyeliner, and mascara. She set them on the desk next to my keyboard. “This isn’t rocket science,” she said. “Figure it out tonight, so you don’t have to worry about screwing it up in the morning.”